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Published On: Wed, Nov 22nd, 2017

The 10 Types of People You See In Coffee Shops

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1. The Morning Commuter

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“Outta my way! I gotta get to work – but first, I GOTTA have my coffee! And even though I’m in a HUGE rush, I’ll keep forgetting to move forward in line because I’m checking emails on my phone. Still, I’ll get incredibly impatient with the baristas, who SHOULD know my regular order by now is a double shot half-frap with soy.”

2. The Person Setting Up Their Home Office

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“Uh, yeah, I’d like a small coffee, please. That’s enough of a value exchange for me to set up my home office at a table for the next 10 hours, sucking up electricity and free wi-fi and the limited sitting space here while I leisurely work on my screenplay.

Also, whenever I have to go to the bathroom, I’ll make some stranger watch my things so I don’t lose my spot. Strangers at coffee shops love suddenly being forced to take responsibility for the possessions of others so they can take a 20 minute deuce at a place of business.”

3. The Couple On A Terrible First Date

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“Hey, we’re meeting at Starbuck’s for a first date because we want to get this relationship started off on the worst foot imaginable. It’ll feel like a job interview, we’ll both wind up with coffee breath, and at least one of us is going to wanna pull the ripcord after about 15 minutes. Luckily, we’re both being extremely self-conscious and awkward and making it obvious to anyone who sees us that this is a first date that is definitely not going to lead to a second date.”

4. The Homeless Person Who Wants To Use the Bathroom

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“You SAY you feel bad for homeless people, but I see the dirty looks I get when I just want to come in and use the bathroom. Is that really asking so much? I have literally NO WHERE ELSE TO GO – what difference does it make to you if I just use this bathroom to relieve myself, wash up, and masturbate furiously for an hour? My life is miserable on a level you could never comprehend, so please just let me have this small amount of dignity.

…also sorry about the mess.”

5. The Person Trying To Use the Bathroom Without Paying For Anything

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“Just popping into this coffee shop to use the bathroom – no, I’m not gonna BUY anything, I just wanna use their toilet. I’ll just try to sneak past the barista so they don’t give me any dirty looks and – OH MY GOD I THINK A HOMELESS GUY WAS SHITTING IN THE SINK.

…and YES I am still going to complain to the manager about the gross state of the bathroom, even though I’m just using the facilities for free and still have no plans to buy anything. If that sounds entitled, well…that’s because it is.”

6. The Most Tired Person In the World

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“I know I look like a walking zombie – that’s because that’s basically what I am. I don’t get enough sleep, I’m overworked to the max, and literally the only thing keeping me from collapsing into a crumpled heap on the ground is by injecting the most powerfully caffeinated coffee directly into my veins. Just dump as many espresso shots as possible into the darkest coffee you can brew.

Come to think of it, I might have actually died already, but this coffee is strong enough to just keep my body going, Weekend At Bernie’s-style.”

7. The Assistant

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“Hold on, let me check my list – okay, I need 7 different orders, all wildly different and complex and specific, so please label each one. You’ll inevitably get 5 of them wrong and I’ll have to come back in an hour, but I’ll be a lot angrier then. I definitely don’t have enough arms to carry all of these, so I’ll work out some complex Jenga-style stacking arrangement that will definitely look like it’ll fall apart at any second.”

8. The Exhausted, Beaten Down Barista

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“I have to be up at 4am to open here at 5am and handle the early crowd – people commuting to the city, truckers, the elderly, and insomniacs. The morning rush lasts from 5am to 10am, and then things slow down a bit and all I have to deal with is the wi-fi hogs, the homeless guys, teens skipping school, more elderly people, and general weirdos who hang out in coffee shops at 11am. Also, I now hate the smell of coffee more than anything in the world.

Well, except the smell of the bathroom after that homeless guy uses it. I’ll get the mop…”

9. The Peppy, Excited Barista (On Their First Day)

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“Wow! I get to work in a COFFEE SHOP! It’ll be JUST like Friends – meet and greet the sexy, urbane regulars, the wacky characters, and generally have a very chill, laid back atmosphere. Plus, ALL THE FREE COFFEE I WANT! I’m SUCH a coffee addict – I’m gonna love it here!”

10. The Incredibly Specific Orderer

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“Ahhh, all the baristas get a real nervous look when I approach – that’s because they know I want a Triple, Venti, Soy, 2 Pumps Vanilla, Half-Caff No Foam Latte heated to EXACTLY 120 degrees…KELVIN. Just kidding, let’s stick with Farenheit, but I want to make sure the barista’s paying attention. Inevitably, they’ll give me my drink, I’ll spit it out because it tastes like 3 Pumps Vanilla and demand they make it over and over again until I decide I’ve wasted enough time and have to leave. I’ll always leave in a huff and remind them that I’ll complain to their manager next time.

Why yes, I WOULD like to use the bathroom. Thank you for suggesting that!”

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